I was with a friend a couple days ago who spent years on the streets, traveling the country, seeing and experiencing amazing things, but also being hurt, minimized, ignored and hated.

As we were reflecting on her journey, this amazingly gifted, smart, and insightful person brought up a phrase that I cannot get out of my head "saved without consent". She was referring to the many encounters she had where people tried to 'save' her by bringing resources, feeding her, taking her to church, etc. etc. etc. She pointed out that nobody ever really asked her what she needed or wanted, but just brought all the stuff to her, that she now had to deal with. One time she went to a church and they pretty much had 'guards' (as she put it) at the exit, so she felt she could not leave the church but had to stay to the end.

That made me think about all the times I have been trying to do good, but I did it wrong. How many times have I stepped into a person's life thinking I knew what they needed without ever having a real conversation with them, getting to know them enough to be trusted and then find ways to support each other?

Is there a different way of helping people without hurting them? There are many good non-profits in Merced who have expertise in certain areas, we should support them and refer people to those resources. There are churches who want to engage and invest in people, partner with them. But the best thing we can ever do for a person who is struggling is to be in solidarity with them, to hear their stories, and share our stories, to learn from each other, to really have a relationship with the person. I know, we can't be friends with everyone and can't help everyone, but maybe we can first of all make eye contact. How many homeless people do we encounter who have not had anybody look into their eyes and acknowledge their humanity? How many seniors walk through our communities who have not seen a smile from a person in a long time? How many of our struggling youth have not been ever asked how they are doing and then been listened to long enough?

Merced during the holiday season is so generous, people want to help, but I wonder if we could not all think more deeply about our response to people so that they don't feel they are being 'saved without consent.'

If you want to learn more about engaging with people and helping without hurting, please feel free to connect with me at lifeline@lifelinecdc.org.